Life Lessons

As I sit here and think back over the last year, actually over the last several years of my life, I can't help but think about how much my life has changed, how much I have grown, and how much I have learned.

So I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned over the last few years.

1. You can't change the past. You can't fix it. You can't travel back in time and change the outcome like Marty McFly. All you can do is accept your past and learn from it. If you weren't happy with the outcome, then change the way you do things, think differently. Do anything, but what you did in the first place, because doing the same thing over and over agian and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

2. You are who you are. Be you. Embrace and love yourself. Don't change who you are to gain acceptance from someone else. If someone doesn't love you for you, for the way you look, for your personality or your little quirks then move on. Let me clarify, no one person is going to like everything little thing about you, so if they are tolerant of your quirks or oddities keep them. However, if they want you to be a totally different person then say goodbye. We all have our quirks, but if someone wants you to change everything about you, there's a problem. Our quirks and oddities are what make us special and unique. Changing things over time to compliment a person or relationship is expected to make your relationship work, but completely being someone other than yourself is unacceptable.

3. Accept people for who they are. Don't try to change them. Our differences are what makes us so special. Embrace your partners, family, friends and coworkers as they are, if we were all the same, the world would be pretty boring. This goes along with number one, everyone has a past, you can't change their past and neither can they, so you need to accept their past as part of who they are. If you can't accept their past, then you need to move on.

4. There is always more than one way to do something. Just because it's the way you have always done it, doesn't mean there isn't a more efficient way to do something. Which leads me to #5...

5. Be open. Be open to ideas, opinions, suggestions or thoughts of others. It doesn't mean you have to change your habits, but it will give you a different perspective. You might find yourself thinking or doing things differently. Sometimes it takes someone else's thought or opinions for us to solve a problem.

6. Don't give advice that isn't requested. If you are not asked what do you think? What's your opinion/thought on the matter?? Then keep your mouth shut. Sometimes people just need someone to listen. Sometimes people just need to vent. Unsolicited advice is not always appreciated and can sometimes be viewed as an insult.

7. Not everything you see, read or hear is the truth. There are uaually always three sides to every story. For example: His, hers and the truth. The best way to find out the truth is to go straight to the source, keep in mind you are only getting one side of the story. Plus, just because you read something or someone told you something, doesn't make it true.

8. Tomorrow is never promised. Tell the ones you love and care about how you feel today, because tomorrow might never come. Show them you care. People are not mind readers. You might think you are showing your love and affection to someone, but they might not see it that way. They might need to hear it. Or maybe you tell them everyday, but they don't believe it, because the words are not backed up by actions.

9. Think. Think before you speak. Think before you take action. Think of the consequences. Think of the goals. Think of the outcome. Often times your words become your actions, so choose your words wisely. Remember, words hurt; they stick like glue. Your actions will always have a consequence, consider the consequences before making a decision. Can you handle the outcome? Is this comment, action, choice worth the result?

10. Not everyone is your friend. Just because someone tells you they are your friend or that you are their best friend doesn't make it true. A friendship is kind of like a marriage. You should be there for that person for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and they should be there for you too. You might not always agree with their choices or decisions, but a true friend will be there at the end of the day and will probably look you dead in the eye and say I told you so, because a true friend accepts you as you are, stupid mistakes and all.

There you have it, a few of the important things I have learned over the past few years. Things I try to teach my children and even to some of my friends, things I think everyone should know to lead a successful and happy life.

Attitude

Growing up I was always told, “Treat others how you want to be treated” and “Don’t do something you wouldn’t want someone to do to you.” Easy concept, right? Apparently, not so much, since it seems more and more people could care less about how they treat others these days.
 
As I get older, I am seeing that more and more people are self-centered and it’s all about what they want and getting instant gratification. They have the, “I want it and I want it now”, “I don’t care what you want or what you think” kind of attitudes. Trust me. I’m not innocent. I have been there, I have displayed both types of attitudes over the years. However, as I have grown older, my thought process has changed. It isn’t all about me anymore. Yes, I do still get that, “I want what I want when I want it” attitude from time to time, but I also know that working for what I want is more rewarding than having something given to me and I know I genuinely enjoy serving and giving to others. 

I try my best to treat everyone with the same level of respect, honesty and loyalty, because I expect the same from them in return. You see, there’s that “treat others how you want to be treated” concept again, that was drilled into my head. Unfortunately, not everyone was taught that concept and if they were then they must have forgotten how to put it in action.

Take my daughters 7th grade classmates for instance. Yesterday, my daughter came home complaining about one of her teachers being “old, mean and rude” she told me how the other kids didn’t like the teacher and they are mean and make fun of the teacher. I looked right at my daughter and said, “You do know that teacher is probably someone’s mom, grandma, aunt, sister, or cousin? How would you feel if that was your Nana teaching the class and the kids were being disrespectful or rude to her? What if it was me?” She thought a moment, and said I wouldn’t like it. My point exactly, you don’t want someone close to you to be hurt or bullied, so why would you do it to someone else? I am constantly telling my kids you don’t need to like everyone that you come into contact with, but you at least need to respect them and not be rude. Believe me, I know sometimes it’s hard; there have been plenty of times where I have lost it and was rude and downright nasty to people, but you know what? I felt horrible after the fact and usually ended up calling to apologize and admit my shortcomings. 

Sometimes we let our emotions get the best of us and they take over running rampant like a bull in a china shop, we might not mean what we say, but the damage has been done, just like the broken china, sometimes things can’t be taken back or fixed. We often speak to quickly without thinking what’s going to come out of our mouths. We don’t remember the popular saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” We forget words are like knives and can hurt. Whoever coined the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, is an idiot. Words hurt. Words stick in the mind like glue. I am guilty of not thinking before I speak, and of telling it like it is at times, but my intentions are never to hurt someone. I’m sure we have all been hurt by the words or actions of someone else, all the more reason for us to pause and take a few minutes to gather our thoughts before speaking or lashing out at someone, because we are emotional or upset.
 
Remember, the person you are engaging with is someone’s spouse, parent, sibling, relative or friend. Think before you speak or act for that matter; would you want someone to talk to or treat your loved one the way you treat people? Would you be ok with someone throwing at spitball at your mother? How about a man cheating on your daughter? Is it ok for another teenager to call your Autistic brother a moron?  The answer to all of those questions should be no, if you agree then remember to take some time to think about your actions, your words, and your attitude before you speak or act. Count to ten. Take a deep breath. Walk away for a minute. Tell the person you need a minute and call back. Do something so you aren't regretting your actions later. Make sure you are being the best person you can be and set an example for those around you, especially children.

It isn't everyday we are given second chances, so make the best of the first one you get.

Acceptance

Just about everyone in the world has at least one thing in common. Acceptance. Everyone at some point in their life is seeking to be accepted. Whether it is amongst their peers in school, being accepted to the college of their dreams, within a significant others family, at work, on a sports team, or amongst a new group of people.  Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to accept new people into their lives.

The problem with acceptance, is that in today's world there are still a lot of closed minded people.  There are still people who view interracial dating and same sex relationships as wrong and unacceptable. There are people who feel you should date within your own age range. Then you have the people who will criticize your clothing, hair, social status etc. Really, who are they to judge???

These are people who feel the need to judge others without even getting to know the other person or couple. They want to judge the person based on something they have heard or some other preconceived judgment. There are people who will find something wrong with each and every person they come into contact with and avoid getting to get to know the person, because of what they heard or because of someone elses judgment.

People come in all different shapes, sizes  colors and personalities the world might actually function better if people realize its ok to be different, its ok to think outside of the box, and that we don't all need to share the same thoughts or opinions. If we were all the same the world would be a boring place.

If people were to embrace their own differences and the differences of those of others around them instead of judging them, I am sure we would see a lot more good in the world.

"Not all cops are bad, not all black people are criminals, not all white people are racist." - author unknown. That statement is so perfect, because its showing how judgmental we are as a society. It's like the old cliché, "Don't judge a book by its cover",  I, myself, am personally guilty of judging others before I know the person, in addition to believing or listening to others judgments about a person. However, I have learned over the last several years that everyone at some point in their life is struggling to fit in somewhere, and if we open our minds and let that person in, we might be pleasantly surprised with who they are.

Today, I encourage you to keep an open mind and think outside the box, give someone new a chance and get to know them before you pass judgment.

Changes

Have you ever found yourself asking, "Why me? What did I do?" I'm sure you have, and if you said no, then you're lying to yourself. No one in the world leads a perfect life and anyone who thinks they have a perfect life is living in their own "Fantasy world".

 

I know I have muttered "why me" numerous times over the span of my life and I am sure I will mutter those words a 1,000 more times, and sometimes I will find out why it was me, and sometimes I may never know. What I do know is this, every time "why me" is uttered there was a lesson I had to learn.

We might not always know what the lesson is that we need to learn, since its not always black and white, nor is the answer sitting directly in front of us. However, if we take our time and open our minds and hearts there is a good chance we might get a glimmer of the lesson we need to learn.

Ask yourself "Is this a pattern? Have I done this before? What were the results?" If you answered,  "Yes! This is a pattern; I have done this before, and the results are always the same." Then most likely you have a lesson you need to learn.

If you are continually getting the same results that you have previously gotten, then I think its time you change your way of thinking or of doing things. As Albert Einstein once said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them." and he also states "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" is the definition of insanity; therefore, nothing will change, lessons will go unlearned and you will constantly keep getting the same results. You will continue to yourself "why me" over and over again until you recognize there is a problem and you actually make changes in the way you think and start to view things differently.

By making small changes over time in the way you think, you will start to see results that will lead to changes in your life, you will start to see the lessons you had to learn and you will notice you ask "why me" a lot less. The changes you make in your life can make a major impact on your life, but you need to be willing to take that first step and take control of your thoughts and decisions.

Is God Real? Did he even exist?

Every time I bring up going to church my children throw a fit, more specifically Jacob tosses a hundred different questions my way, that I can't answer. You see Jacob is 14, he is very intelligent, and his way of thinking is unique. His questions make me question the things I know and believe. So I would love to have some feedback from you and to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding his thoughts. These are in no particular order. 

1. White Tigers and Noah's Ark: If two of every animal were brought onto Noah's Ark, how do we still have orange tigers? Once a brother/sister, father/daughter combo reproduce you get a white tiger. So even if Noah took two orange tigers on the ark that were not related, they would have to mate and those tigers would be related, so there shouldn't be any orange tigers left in the world. Can you please explain to me mom, how we still have orange tigers?

2. Incest and Noah's Ark. We are taught incest is wrong, yet Noah only took his family. So in order to repopulate they would have to have reproduced with one another which is incest. Same thing goes for the animals too. If this is true then we are all related some how right?  

3. If God created Adam and Eve, and they were Caucasian, then how do we have Asians, Latinos, African Americans, etc? Or if Adam and Eve were African American, how do we have Caucasians, Asians, Latinos, etc? You get the point. We've been told the climate, etc effects the pigment/melanin in the skin, but that doesn't account for the physical features of their bodies, such as height, facial features, etc). If African Americans move to the US their skin color doesn't become that of a Caucasian person, and if a Caucasian person moves to Africa their skin color doesn't become that of an African American? So if people are using the theory their skin tone adjusts to their climate and surrounding, wouldn't it still do that today?? 

4. How do we know that the Bible isn't just some story that someone wrote and a group of people just decided to believe? There are other books out there that people read and believe. So the Bible could just be another theory or a different set of beliefs that some random person wrote. 

5. If God created Adam and Eve to be Christians and they taught Christianity to everyone else, how and where did Judaism, Buddhism, Muslim etc come into play? Who taught these other religions to people? Shouldn't everyone be a Christian? So basically, someone had a different belief or theory and told some people about it and those people  decided they wanted to follow that person and form a new religion...right? Ok then, how do we know that wasn't done with the Bible? These are the questions I am asked. 

6. How do people know what heaven looks like or that it exists? I showed him the clip for "Heaven Is For Real" and explained people have had near-death experiences. He's not buying that they "see" Heaven. We will be heading to the movies next Friday night to "Heaven Is For Real".

These are just of few of the questions I am faced with when I mention I want us to go to church. We have tried several different churches of different denominations and I always hear the same thing when we leave, how do they know what was said or how Jesus lived? All they are doing is reading from a book that anyone could have wrote, that people choose to believe. So I ask him what do you believe?? He tells me he doesn't know, that he has too many questions. I say perfect! Then we can go to church and you can question the pastor or youth pastor and he says no. 

I encourage you to share your thoughts and beliefs with me, because it is difficult for me to answer these questions. 

Please keep in mind Jacob is still a child and he entitled to ask questions and have his own opinions. So I ask if you can't be mature and nice in your response, that you refrain from replying, because he will see these. If you want to bash me and my parenting skills feel free to email me at brandysue0921@gmail.com 

Size Matters

Whoever said, "Size doesn't matter", has obviously never lived in Florida, because size does matter; especially when it pertains to clothing and shoes. I am seriously starting to think people do not own mirrors anymore, or they just don't care about how they look, or maybe they honestly don't realize they look like a train wreck? Whatever the reason, it drives me crazy.

Muffin tops are meant to be eaten, not someones fat roll flopping over the top of their pants and camel toes belong on camels the last I knew, yet people feel its ok to display both. I think its time we leave the muffin tops as a snack, and let the camels have their toes back. How do we do that? Its simple, just ask yourself the questions below.

1. Do I need to lay down on the bed so I can shut my jeans? Yes? Then you shouldn't be wearing them. 
2. Am I continually digging my underwear out of my butt? Yes? Then your underwear are too small.
3. Does it look like my back needs its own bra? Yes? Then you need a bigger bra and or shirt.
4. Do my toes hang over the edge of my flip-flops or sandals? Yes? Then you need a bigger size.
5. Do my heels hang over the back of my flip-flops or sandals? Yes? Then you need a bigger size.
6. Do your butt cheeks hang out the bottom of your shorts? Yes? Then your shorts are too short. 

Still not sure how you look?? Ask a friend before you leave the house. Real friends will tell you that you look like crap. Trust me. If I would be embarrassed to be seen with someone in public, they're going to know about it; just ask my sister. If you have children and they express concern about your outfit, chances are it doesn't look good. Children are usually brutally honest and have no filter, so they are some of the best people to ask.

Don't know what I am talking about?? Take a trip to your local Wal-Mart or shopping center, then sit and people watch for a few minutes and you will see exactly what I am talking about. You can also check out the People of Wal-Mart web site for great tips on what not to wear when leaving the house.

Are They Cheating? A Guide To Being Your Own Private Eye

Are They Cheating...

What is Cheating?

Cheating, according to Merriam-Webster, is defined as being deceptive, practicing fraud, violating rules dishonestly, and being unfaithful in a relationship. Obviously, we are talking about being unfaithful in a relationship. 

Cheating can go one of two ways.
1. Your significant other is cheating on you (or you are the cheater).
2. You are the "other" man or woman, either knowingly or unknowingly. 

In either scenario, this guide will help you become your own private eye and may lead to peace of mind or heartbreak, depending on what you find out. However, this guide is meant to help you determine if you are the other person.

How do I know?

I know from experience. I have had two friends go through a nasty divorce and  break up over the last three years, because their spouses were cheating. So they fit scenario one above. Me, well... I fit into scenario two several times since my divorce in 2010. Since then, I have met Mr. I Have A Girlfriend and Mr. Married too many times. I learned really quickly, how to break it down to who I had to eliminate from the dating pool. 

After meeting Mr. Married for the 4th time, I began to notice some similarities in the men I was meeting online. So I started researching the guys I was talking too, no point in getting involved or meeting him if he is married or has a girlfriend. I flat out told one guy the information I found out about him on our fourth date and he called me a stalker. I told him his stories consistently change, and that my gut was telling me something wasn't right. Always, always, always go with your gut. I proceeded to tell him that I am not a stalker, because if I was a stalker I would be sitting in his driveway waiting for his wife to come home or sitting at his place of employment (Shhhh...I don't even know where his place of employment is - but he didn't know that). The point is I called him out, and backed it up with FACTS. Facts he tried to weasel his way out of, but couldn't.

What to look for...

Time of Day:  What time of day is the person contacting you? What hours to they work?
For example: If the person is consistently contacting you during their work hours, but you do not hear from them in the evening or during the weekends this is a RED flag. If you are so important that they can take time out of their work day, what is so important that they can't return a text or call after work or over the weekend? Chances are its their spouse and or family. Also, returning texts and calls late at night, another RED flag, because they most likely waited until everyone else was asleep to respond to your message. 

How Do They Contact You: How is the person contacting you?? Are they only contacting you by instant messenger? Email? Telephone? Text? If the person is only contacting you by one or possibly two of these means, this is another RED flag. If they don't give their phone number to you after several months of chatting online and via instant messenger, either he isn't interested or he is hiding something. Either way, it's not a good sign. 

Free Texting Apps: Apps like Text Free, kik, Tiger text and text now don't show up on monthly telephone bills. I can understand just meeting someone and not wanting to give them your real number, because I have done it myself; however, after talking to the person for a few weeks I let them know that I gave them another number just in case they turned out to be a weirdo and then I give them my real number. I am just putting it out there that sometimes people have these kinds of apps so there is no "record or evidence" trail of who they have been chatting with.

Google: Yep Awesome tool! Just Google the person's name, make sure that you verify the information with what you already know about the person, since there are a lot of people in this world that have the same name. Make sure you also use the images tab to see if there are any incriminating photos.
Example: My first Mr. Married had his wedding photos on the photographers website and the hotels website where he was married. Absolutely no denying these, not only were his pictures there, but so was his name!! Then we have the gentleman who contacted me on a dating site. He didn't have any photos on his page and gave me his name, telling me to look him up on Facebook. I don't add just anyone to my Facebook page, but I wanted to see what he looked like, so I tried to find him, but couldn't, so I Googled his name. I found several mug shots of a gentleman with the same name. I freaked out. Always, giving the benefit of doubt, I contacted him via the dating site and said, "I couldn't find your Facebook profile, so I Googled you and found a couple of mug shot pictures for possession of drug paraphernalia and trafficking." He responded with, "Is that a problem?" UM...YES that is a problem. Needless to say that guy was BLOCKED from my page and didn't get a response to his last email. Google yourself sometime, you might be shocked how easy it is to find your own information online.

Facebook: This is an EXCELLENT tool!!!
Examples:
Phone Number - Instead of putting the name of a person in the search bar, type in their telephone number without any dashes. If their number is listed on their page, their page will pop up. I found Mr. "In a Relationship" twice this way.
Last Name - Check out their friends with the same last name, especially if they tell you they are the only child or that their siblings are the same sex as they are. Remember, Mr. Married who called me a stalker?? Well, I went to friend him on Facebook, he didn't accept my request another RED flag. If you are talking to someone for months, you have had three plus dates and have discussed being exclusive, I don't think being friends on Facebook is a bad thing. Anyway, he stated he had a daughter, who was 8 years old, but his profile picture showed an infant. It could be a niece or nephew, or a throw-back picture, but my gut was telling me it wasn't. So I checked out his friends. He mentioned a brother and his mom. I found both of them and another woman with the same last name. Yes she could be a cousin, sister-in-law or aunt, but my gut said click her name. So I did, and guess what??!!?? Right there on her page it said, Married to and had his name!! When I confronted him, his response was she never uses that. Funny...they were supposed to be divorced like 5 years ago, and she had posted on her page three months prior. I don't know about you, but the minute I was divorced, my status was changed. Oh year, I forgot to mention, that also on her page were family pictures of the 4 of them, that baby I mentioned that was his profile picture? Yep, that was his son. Not only did this man lie about being married, but he also lied about the number of children he has.

Public Records: This is perhaps one of the easiest and best tools you can use, go to the Clerk of Courts website for the county you are interested in and select public records. Here you can find information about marriages, divorces, and traffic violations. I had one gentleman tell me that he was arrested once and spent a night in jail for hitting his ex-girlfriend. I was impressed with his honesty, but the fact that he told me this the second time we spoke on the phone made me think twice. That isn't something most people are proud of or want to share with someone they are just getting to know, so I did a public record search on him and found out he was arrested not once, not twice but THREE times for domestic battery. Another good public record tool is the Property Appraisers website. There you can find information about their property and if they really own the three houses that they claim they do. You can search by address or name. This will also tell you if there is someone else listed on the mortgage like a spouse or parent. 

Public Search engine sites:
White Pages You can type in name of the person or their address. Usually, it will tell you who lives also lives in the home. Mr. Weasel's wife was listed, but he claims she just never changed her address. Who moves and doesn't change their address for 5 years?? REALLY, do I look that dumb??
Spokeo Spokeo is similar to the white pages, but it lets you look up email addresses.
Intelius Similar to the two mentioned above, but gives you the option to pay for a background check, but that is not necessary. Anything you want or should need to know is public record. You just need to know what you are looking for.
Been Verified Found out about this site from a co-worker. It allows you to look up one person's information per month.

National Sex Offender and Inmate Databases:
National Sex Offender Registry You can search this site by the name of the person or your location. As a single mom, I want to make sure my children are safe first and foremost; therefore, I am going to check out any person that I am considering bringing around my children.
Florida Sex Offender Site For my Florida friends.
Federal Inmate Search Search for people who have done time in the federal penitentiary, this is a national database. You can also access your local county jail or state prison by googling the name of the facility and typing inmate list.
Florida Inmate Site For my Florida friends. 

If you feel the need to ask for a driver's license on your first meeting, do it. If the other person is offended then they are not worthy of your time. The first few dates I had with guy's that I met from online dating sites, I made sure to give a friend the guys name, number, where and when we were meeting. I also called her after the date to let her know I was ok. Once I even took a picture of the guys license plate in right in front of him and text it to my friend. I told him point blank, my friend is paranoid and she asked that I send her a picture of your license plate just in case I go missing. He laughed and said she was smart and to go ahead. He then offered me his driver's license to prove who he was. Maybe the fact that he was a former police officer made his willingness to comply much easier than a "regular" person, but he knew he had nothing to hide. The way I see it is if you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't care if someone wants to know about you or your past. 

Call me crazy, call me a stalker, but I call it being informed. I don't want to be the woman crying on the local news, because her boyfriend turned out to be a registered sex offender and raped her daughter or a neighbor. It's happened people. In today's world with today's technology, there are no excuses for not being informed about who you are bringing into your life and the lives of your loved ones. If you are uncomfortable or feel something isn't right, then it probably isn't. I have learned to trust my gut instinct about people and other things and looking back, I realize that I should have trusted my instinct a long time ago. 

Become informed. Know who you are bringing into your life. I promise it will save you from heartbreak and might even save your life.